Carlos (tallon29) wrote,


Today has been a bad day. A very, very bad day. Indescribably bad. Everything from work-related things, to my PC taking a dump on me (I'm making this post via a bootable Linux distro on CD... it's actually pretty damned cool), to my mental state pretty much crashing and burning. Last night I was suddenly overcome with a horrible wave of what I can only describe as depression, but that word seems like such a cop-out. It wasn't nearly as one-dimensional as depression, because it wasn't simply sorrow. It was everything. It was the weight of the world and the weight of my life, and it still weighs on me now. I gave up on trying to fix my PC for a while and watched some TV. A.I. was on some movie channel, and although I don't believe I'm in the majority on this, that movie touches me very deeply. It did the first time I saw it, and it did again tonight. Now, this could be because of the very vulnerable states I was in at both viewings, but that doesn't change anything. And the mental, emotional, and spiritual blow that movie delivers knocked the proverbial wind out of me. I feel, at the moment, like an empty shell of a human being. And yet I feel overwhelmed. It's really a very odd, distant feeling. A very lost and lonely feeling. I wondered tonight about very much, walking around outside in the cold after the movie, but most of all, I wonder if my fears are true. They certainly seem warranted, but that is only at the moment. Everything could change in an instant, as it may very well do someday; but until then I am here alone. An island amongst a sea of people, relationships, connections, with none to call my own. Well, that's not true. I have a few very, very good friends. Very unique people, all with beautiful and unique perspective on life. All with their own approach to it, their own angle. I have none. I'm just riding. I have no purpose, no mission. Apart from the desire to learn, know, and understand, and the desire to someday connect with another human being, I really am void of ambition. My pursuits, apart form the previously mentioned, are basically made up of attempts to escape the world around me, hiding in books, movies, music, and various ... I don't know what to call it. Various states of altered perception due to sleep deprivation and other forms of pushing myself mentally. As I've said before, Tired is my drug of choice. What's odd, though, is that they aren't really states of 'altered perception.' I'm goign to try and explain myself a bit here, but perdon me in advanc eif it gets weird, or if I just end up deleting it all.

I'm going to try and summarize this as much as possible, because I could write for days on my beliefs/findings in these matters. I'm more than open to discussion on them at any time.

Everything we see, feel, know, experience, is all based on our point-of-view. Our emotional and logical selves, percieve the world around us through many filters. (Some of this is very largely based on some of the thoughts of Aristotle, and others before him). These filters are thousands upon thousands of assumptions we make every second, both physically and mentally, based on our POV. Our POV being the summation of all of our memories/experiences, our logical and emotional selves, and whatever naturally occuring sprirt/personality we all have that is unique to eahc of us and consistantly true regardless of situation. The reaosn for these filters, these assumptions, is the sheer amount of raw data that is hurdled at us every waking moment of our lives. Strictly on the physical plane, every instant is filled with billions of various stimuli... how many different things are in your field of vision at any given instant that you could focus on? And not just solid objects, but infinitessimly small details on each of those objects. And how many different sensations do we receive and feel every instant, all over and within our bodies? How many different sounds are there in every instant to listen to, to focus on and individually pick out and distinguish? And smells as well. All of this input is hammering us at every moment, overwhelming these bodies we use as tools to perceive and interact with the world. So we make millions of assumptions based on past experience to filter out the massiv emajority of it, and focus only on what interests at the moment. That is our POV in the physical side of things. On the other side, I believe everyone has at least two streams of .. thought? Consciousness? I dont know what best to call it. We all have at least a constant current of logical thought and reason. Our trains of thought that we pursue, thinking of each moment. This is usually in the form of some type of internal dialogue, speaking to ourselves in our mind. Because language is te basis of all of our logical thought. (that is an entirely different subtopic I touche don briefly once before). The other constant current is an emotional one. Similar to our logical streams of thoughts, but without language. Only feeling, instinct. Where it comes from I don't claim to know, but I don't believe there is much denying its presence. At least for me. So all of this makes up our POV on the world. When you truly know someone, or know enough of them to put together enough of the puzzle that is each person, you can begin to perceive things through their point of view (well, Some people can. Or maybe everyone can, but only some desire to? That makes more sense), and thus understand them and even begin to fairly accurately predict how they will react in any given situation. I spend a lot of my time simply speaking and interacting with people, putting together the puzzles of as many different people as I can so as to try and perceive the world through as many different POVs as I can. I started doing this back in late middle school when I first encountered the writings of Orson Scott Card, although I don't believe I really realized it at first. Thee is something about the way he shapes and defines characters, and about how he conveys so well internal dialogue and thought processes. This is why I sometimes (jokingly) refer to his writings as my 'scripture', because of what a great tool they were for me early on when I didn't have the social connections that i do now with so many wonderful, amazing people.

The more POVs I have tried to take on and understand, the more people I have connected with (either directly or indirectly via conversations or whatnot... even fictional characters), the more I have lost myself amongst them. But the advantage of this is being to see any situation from a tremendous amount of angles, which has allowed me to be very useful at helping people through things, whether it be relationships or difficult situations or anything. And I think a biproduct of this... almost a side effect, really... is that at any given time there are dozens of trains of thought going on in my head, and I find it hard to keep up, so I simply don't pay much attention to them (because of course it makes it veyr hard to focus on anything with all of that noise in the background). They seem to still be continuing, though, because I'll sometimes [seemingly] magically have the solution to a problem or issue that I had really given no thought to, as if I had worked it out without realizing it.

Ok, I've totally lost my train of thought, and probably lost most of you along the way. I just wonder if it's just me who is this way, or if this seems to fit the observations of others (or maybe everyone, and it's just that nobody understands or talks about it?) I'm sorry if the above makes no sense, and I'm sorry if most of you think I'm crazy now (I probably am), but while I'm gutting myself here I might as well make un-private the initial entry that got me started on this train of thought last night. The reason that I usually don't write much and am usually fairly vague is because, in order for my mind to slow town so that my fingers may keep up, I have to think very deliberately. And I lack the mental fortitude to maintain the required focus to do this for any substantial period of time, so most of my written thoughts end up jmping all over the place and not really concluding. Sorry about that.

Your crazy friend,
Carlos / Tallon
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