Carlos (tallon29) wrote,
Carlos
tallon29

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Vulnerable

"This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time...

You are the same decaying organic matter as everything else...

You have to give up.
You have to realize that someday you will die.
Until you know that,
You are useless."


So much I want to say.
So much I should say.
So little real courage.
So little feeling left.
So much weight.
So little time.
So what now?

There is a face for every voice inside my head.
Some are comforting, others are not.
Which one will I wear today?
Which one would you like me to?

There is a problem in pursuing Understanding. In hoping to know and understand others.
With each new person,
each new perspective,
each new point-of-view,
I take on a small part of them.
It may just be a tone of voice, a new interest, or only an opinion.
But always something.

And by taking all this in,
And by giving so little of myself in return,
I am beginning to become overwhelmed.

Beginning? I am overwhelmed.

Tonight, I realized that perhaps I close myself out of fear.
Now I have thought of this before, many times,
But what exactly the fear was has eluded me.
I thought I feared attention
I thought I feared burdening others
I thought I feared Love.
I believe now that what I feared was much deeper than that.
I fear that I have lost myself.
I believe I cannot share myself,
Because I do not know myself.
I do not exist.

And yet here I am.

I need a purpose, a reason.
Something to strive for, to achieve.
I need a goal.
I need meaning.
I need something with which to define my existence.
I need something to live for.
I need something to die for.
I need something to share.

I need sleep.

Good night.
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