Carlos (tallon29) wrote,

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"Dear Diary, I'm writing in your bullshit pages because my shrink is crazier than I am; he thinks you're therapy."
-What Dreams May Come

Ah, just finished what has to be the longest private entry ever. Easily the longest of any entry I've seen x3. While usually they're very therapeutic, this one wasn't. But whatever, it didn't accomplish anything. Only reinforced some doubts and fears. No matter.

An extremely small excerpt, somewhat edited:

"The ... and ... the ... ?"

Ok, seriously (also somewhat edited):

I've begun reading the Hagakure. Thank-you Jason for picking it up for me. A quote from one of the first excerpts:

"...But even a person who is good for nothing and exceedingly clumsy will be a reliable retainer if only he has the determination to think earnestly of his master. Having only wisdom and talent is the lowest tier of usefulness."

That quote very much applies to me. I am the lowest tier of usefulness, because I have zero ambition / determination. I exist, sucking up resources and giving little back, without purpose or motivation. I am shameful, and completely lacking of pride.

Hope has become my greatest enemy.

If I ever had to choose a theme song for myself, or my life, this would be it:

Simon and Garfunkel : I Am A Rock

A winter's day
In a deep and dark December;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On (a) freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the words before;
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

That is all.
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