Carlos (tallon29) wrote,

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To Humanity:

Inside this post is a rarity for me. I do not open up often to some, ever to most. Inside you will see a very small part of what goes on inside my head at any given moment, and a small taste of some of the conversations that I have with myself/trains of thought I explore. If something of this nature doesn't interest you, don't click. If it does, then please feel free to add any comments/additions you might have. I am ALWAYS open to talk with anyone on any matters of life, the mind, or anything really. And I encourage criticisms, if you have any.


I left work in quite the introspective mood. The feeling that gripped me this afternoon had me quite perplexed. Putting my train of thought in fate's hands, I opened my trunk and grabbed a random, unlabeled (I never label my CDs), scratched-to-all-Hell CD. Only one song on the CD was remotely close to playable.

Garth Brooks
Standing Outside The Fire

We call them cool
Those hearts that have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go
And risk the tables being turned

We call them fools
Who have to dance within the flame
Who chance the sorrow and the shame
That always comes with getting burned

But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire

We call them strong
Those who can face this world alone
Who seem to get by on their own
Those who will never take the fall

We call them weak
Who are unable to resist
The slightest chance love might exist
And for that forsake it all

They're so hell-bent on giving ,walking a wire
Convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire

Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

There's this love that is burning
Deep in my soul
Constantly yearning to get out of control
Wanting to fly higher and higher
I can't abide
Standing outside the fire

Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire


I am so close to Happiness now, I can hear it. I've seen glimpses of it. I know how and where it exists. Achieving it, however, will be no small task. In order for it to be a true happiness, a life-long happiness, it must be allowed to properly grow and develop. It must be allowed to find it's way to me, and not vice-versa. To jump ahead and try and take it now, to try and push the issue, would more than likely render it unusable. It must grow to fit me as much as I must grow to fit it. I understand this now. It's just that, I've never been so close. As much as I may have deluded myself otherwise, the happiness I've known was nothing like this. The closest I came to happiness was a span of a few months 4 or 5 years ago in the somewhat small town of Lakeland. I was content then, but I didn't appreciate it. Not until it was gone. I believe that true Happiness is only allowed to us once we wholely and undeniably appreciate our lives without it. Only then may we appreciate our lives with it. I'm ready to appreciate it now, but like spoiled surprise it may be the knowledge of it's existance that prevents me from properly attaining it. I know that I've stressed it somewhat already, and were it not for [then seemingly] bad timing, I might have already ruined it. Being so close, the temptation to pursue it is so great, I was almost pulled too far by the fear of losing it. It pains me to know that no matter how strong I believe I am, no matter how strong I might actually become, I will always have moments of weakness. The fortitude of my character is something that I would take great pride in if I would allow myself to feel proud. We are all tested constantly by our selves and our peers. How many of us pass? I want to pass. I need to pass. I need that something to help fuel my will, so that I might remain strong in face of the seemingly-indomitable but relatively-timid challenges that I encounter personally and vicariously. Why these desires exist I do not know, but I cannot begin to question their origins until I fully understand them in their current state.

I feel that I _need_ so much, but how much do I really _need_? Is there really something wrong in shrugging off desires rather than fulfilling them? I don't know.

Nothing helps put things in perspective like those three simple words. That one simple thought. That one simple emotion. Every intellectual thought, every written phrase, translates directly to an emotion. While thoughts and ideas are the language of the mind, and words the tools we use to attempt to share them, emotions are the language of souls. Nothing feels so cleansing as to truely feel the emotional translation of the phrase "I don't know." I would attempt to describe it as feeling humble, but it is more of a feeling of submission. We fight a constant battle against the Universe. We fight against Fate, we fight against Destiny, we fight against Expectation, we fight against Classification and Dismissal, we fight against Loss, we fight against each other, and we fight against ourselves every waking moment of our lives. Nothing relaxes that burden like accepting that we don't know, we won't know, we are nothing. While we may fight with every ounce of our beings, eventually we all succumb. Weakness is inevitable, submission is inevitable, and-as disturbing as it may be to think about-death is inevitable. What matters is what you do between now and then, how what you do affects others, and what you pull away from those experiences.

I was interrupted by a phone call from a friend that went over 45 minutes in length. Coming back to this now, I have totally lost any train of thought I had beforehand. So I leave this as it stands for any conclusions, commentaries, or insight you wish to add to it via comments, emails, or conversation.

Please, everyone, live life without regrets. Because regret is one of a few emotions that there is no curing. Only replacing.
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