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Oye [11 Feb 2003|01:07am]
[ mood | depressed ]

"Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration,
that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death,
life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather."
- Bill Hicks

Fabrice showed me that a week or two ago. Just getting around to sharing it in case some maybe haven't seen it.

I realized today that I don't vent. I don't let off steam, I don't relieve stress, I don't share my feelings/thoughts with anyone (or at least in such small ratios that it amounts to nothing). I swallow everything. I had a great (but brief) discussion with Fabrice on the topic a week or two ago, but I didn't save it. He came to a conclusion that I can now verify. You were right Fabrice.

I realized today, not how strong I'm not, but how weak I am. I'm tearing myself apart, and it's not healthy at all. I realize that eventually I'm going to have to allow myself to open up to people. If I don't make the conscious decision to do so, it will happen on it's own eventually, and that may not be pretty. I did actuall share something with someone a ... ok, once more a week or two ago, and for a few days I felt better than I have in a long time. Maybe better than I ever had before. It was like a burden was lifted off of my chest, and I could breath and I could feel and my heart would beat without the pressure and everything got through without all of the background noise. Everything was so clear. It was only temporary.

Grr. See now, I was typing something. I was explaining. And then I highlighted it all and deleted it. That's too personal I told myself. Can't let that out. People will judge. Or at least think or question. Can't have that, no no.

I know another temporary fix. Something I haven't done in a while. I guess I'll have to in the next few nights.

Ah, something else I was going to share, but nope. I can't. Not capable. Not yet, anyway.

Maybe someday. No promises, though.

It's hard sometimes. Very hard. Which leads me to question my own strength. Did Atlas ever doubt he could carry the world? Even as he held it, did he ever wonder if he was strong enough to do so? Wouldn't that be silly? That's how I feel now. Some things are just hard to come to terms with. But I can do it, I know I can.

I almost deleted this one. Right there. But I stopped myself. I'm fighting it now, the urge to delete this. To not share, to hide it all away. And now admiting that I'm fighting it doesn't help. I just need to post this before I can't.

Realize that I'm very vulnerable when I'm tired when reading this. Very weak. And I'm so very very tired.

Thanks for caring, I know you do.

I think the Escaflowne Move soundtrack must be purchased. By me. It is so beautiful. Painfully beautiful.

Oh, one more thing, has anyone ever heard of baking jewelry? I know it sounds silly, but I wa scurious as to why it would be done. If not, just ignore this.

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[11 Feb 2003|08:50am]
[ mood | worried ]

I just received some troublesome news. But I can help to right it. I just hope I don't screw this up. How well it's received is beyond my control, though.

Wish me luck tonight.

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ponderponderponderponderponder [11 Feb 2003|02:20pm]
[ mood | working ]

Man the wheels are turning at work today. There will be a long entry tonight. You've been warned. :)

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3DMark 2003 [11 Feb 2003|03:35pm]
3D Mark 2003 was released yesterday in case some of you didn't know. I'd like any scores you guys get to be posted here so we can compare :)

http://www.futuremark.com for download/info.
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